Truth

How to Do the Right Thing

How to Do the Right Thing

Photo by Fabien Bazanegue on Unsplash

 

“With integrity, you have nothing to fear, since you have nothing to hide. With integrity, you will do the right thing, so you will have no guilt.” – Zig Ziglar

 

When faced with deciding on how to act, sometimes the toughest part is figuring out how to do the right thing. Of course, how you view the right thing, what you think of as the right thing, makes all the difference. And this is often not clear. You may experience conflicting emotions, feel ambivalent about potential choices, or strongly for or against certain action – whether you are convinced that it either is or isn’t the right thing to do. How, then, can you make an informed choice and be confident that you’ll do the right thing?

Start with integrity.

Merriam-Webster defines integrity as, “firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values.” The word refers to moral or ethical strength and the quality of being honest. When you start with integrity, you are being true to your core values, not straying to conform with popular opinion. Acting in integrity is not always easy, for there are shortcuts that will speed the process that may sabotage the outcome, even as they provide a quicker path to the result. Without integrity, you may feel remorseful and guilty at an unfair or unfavorable result, while you have no cause for such negative thoughts when you act in accordance with your beliefs. Ask yourself first what you know in your heart feels right. Your mind may rush in with excuses or propose different courses of action, but your integrity will never fail you.

What about when the right thing isn’t so obvious, or when it’s decidedly against prevailing opinion? If you must act in opposition to what others think or do, will you be considered a disruptor, an outsider, someone to keep at a distance, decry, criticize? Temporarily experiencing discomfort when you do the right thing is likely something you can weather without too much difficulty. The key is to be comfortable with your choice. Again, when you start with integrity and follow through with action that reflects your integrity, you’re reinforcing your commitment to truth, justice and honor.

Be considerate how your actions will affect others.

Recognize that people may not agree with your action, even if they approve of the intent of your decision. Think through the possible ramifications of your action and how they will affect others, as well as how your actions may make them feel. This does not mean you compromise your desire to do what is right, although it may allow you to incorporate softening effects into your action.

For example, if a co-worker consistently shows up to the job with alcohol on his or her breath, or exhibits other signs of drug or alcohol addiction, you may not want to notify human resources, but it is the right thing to do. Your colleague needs professional help, and this may be the necessary wake-up call so that he or she can get the detox and psychotherapy it will take to get clean and sober. If it’s a family member you believe is in distress from substance abuse, poly-drug use, and/or mental health disorder such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other conditions and could benefit from counseling and treatment of some kind, figuring out a compassionate way to approach him/her and the specific language to use may somewhat ease the shock of your words. Note that those suffering from drug and/or alcohol abuse are often expert in denial. Also, you cannot force anyone to get treatment, no matter how desperately it is needed. You can only be there with your support and love and encourage your loved one to seek help. Know that family support is crucial in recovery from substance use and mental health disorders.

Stop worrying what others think.

Suppose you know that what you’re about to do will aggravate, infuriate, confuse or surprise others. Despite being the right thing to do, you fear the retaliation and disapproval that will follow. There’s no point to stewing over what others think. They’re going to vent their emotions, let you know their opinion, maybe even steer clear of you for a while. Stop worrying what they think. What’s more important is to be at peace with your actions.

What about loved ones and family members who take offense or retaliate with rejection, harsh words or withdrawing of affection over your actions they deem harmful to them in some way? The sting may be onerous, yet if you truly believe you’ve done the right thing, you must be able to live with your decision. The offended loved one or family member may come around, even thank you later, although it is also true they may hold resentment for your do-good actions.

There is also a bright side of doing the right thing, however, taking action that others don’t expect, and that is the opportunity for them to see you in a different light, to rethink their perception of you. When you do the right thing, you’re also giving yourself a boost in self-esteem. Knowing what’s right and doing it are the hallmarks of personal integrity.

Doing the right thing can be contagious.

Standing up for what’s right can inspire others to take similar action, to step out of their comfort zone and act in accordance with core beliefs and values. While you may initially feel alone in choosing the course of action you firmly believe is the right thing to do, your example may encourage others to follow your lead. First one, then another, then a few more may do the right thing. Your action can precipitate contagious behavior. Yet, even if it doesn’t, you are content with your decision, knowing that you acted with integrity and followed through to do the right thing. You can lead by example, even if others decide not to emulate your behavior.

 

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This article was originally published on Psych Central.

Related Posts:

5 Ways to Cultivate Truth

How to Start Telling the Truth Instead of Lies

How to Live What You Believe

How to Tap Into Your Capabilities

How to Be Fair to Yourself

What Does Your Apology Say About You?

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5 Ways to Cultivate Truth

Photo by Simon Matzinger on Unsplash

Photo by Simon Matzinger on Unsplash

“The truth may be stretched thin, but it never breaks, and it always surfaces above lies, as oil floats on water.” – Cervantes, Don Quixote

 

It isn’t all that uncommon to find yourself bending the truth. People do it all the time. Sometimes it’s to spare someone else from feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s to give ourselves an escape from consequences we know we’ll encounter if we tell the truth. But guess what? The truth will eventually come out, no matter how hard we try to avoid it.

There’s something universally appealing in this, although few would admit it. We don’t want to be regarded as liars – even though we sometimes fall into that category. The idea that our little obfuscations or outright tall tales would come back to haunt us isn’t particularly attractive. The fact that we work so hard to skirt the truth – knowing full well that it’s wrong, but doing it anyway – means we’ve got some self-improvement we need to tend to.

Think of the biggest lies in history and how they eventually were unmasked. The world is flat was debunked. Men are superior was called into question. “I’ll call you” is universally discredited. Big lie or little, as Shakespeare’s quote in “The Merchant of Venice” so aptly reveals – “the truth will out.”

If you accept that truth has more value than lies and acknowledge that it’s going to come out anyway, how do you begin to cultivate the habit of telling the truth to begin with? Is this something you can teach yourself to do – after years of doing just the opposite?

You can and here’s how.

Pause and think.

Before you respond to a question, embark on telling a story, fill out an employment application or apply for a loan, pause and think what you’re about to reveal. The first thought that pops into your head may be a lie – or it could be the truth, which you quickly push aside. You’ll know whether it’s truth or lie.

Being able to identify what the thought is qualifies you to make the decision what to do next. You need the time to figure out what you’re going to say or do.

Prepare truthful answers.

Think of answers that are truths you’re willing to say ahead of time so you’re not stumped when you need to say something. Let’s say you’re going to a job interview and you want to appear your best. You know you’ll be asked about your strengths and your accomplishments. Instead of saying you saved your previous employer $100,000 by uncovering duplicate projects – when you really only observed someone else doing that – if it’s true you were part of a team that streamlined corporate projects to maximize efficiency, say that instead. If you’re not particularly innovative, talk up how you’re a hard worker that supports team efforts. If you take the time to realize your strengths, you’ll be able to come up with talking points that are true, not false.

If you’re uncomfortable, ask for a break.

Maybe the truth you tell now would cause harm, make someone unhappy, or result in your getting fired. Instead of instantly incriminating yourself, ask for a break – literally. You need some time to frame the truth so that it’s less harmful, or to summon your resources if the blowback will be serious. It’s better to say nothing than to blow it completely by telling a lie that will come back to roost.

Work on your values.

Learning to tell the truth instead of spouting lies every time you open your mouth takes patience, time and practice. Begin by addressing your core values, identifying them and striving to live in accordance with them. If you value friendship, act like a true friend. If you prize family above all else, put your family ahead of everything else you do. Be the person you most admire. Adopt the traits of people you respect.

Ask for help.

No doubt there are people in your life who are familiar with your tendency to embroider the truth. Ask for their help in supporting your truth-telling quest. Have your network of close friends and loved ones call you out when they recognize you’re telling a lie. This might smart a bit, but you need this type of supportive assistance to change your behavior.

This article was originally published on Psych Central.

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Related posts:
How to Start Telling the Truth Instead of Lies
How to Live What You Believe
10 Ways Lies Hurt You
Should You Ever Tell the Whole Truth to Your Kids?

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How To Start Telling The Truth Instead Of Lies

Photo by h heyerlein on Unsplash

Photo by h heyerlein on Unsplash

“The truth may be stretched thin, but it never breaks, and it always surfaces above lies, as oil floats on water.” — Cervantes

 

A little-known fact is that it isn’t all that uncommon to bend the truth. People do it all the time. I know I’ve slipped and told a few whoppers. Sometimes it is to spare someone else from feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes it is to give yourself an escape from consequences you know you will encounter by telling the truth. But guess what? The truth will eventually come out, no matter how hard you try to avoid it.

There is something universally appealing in this, although few would admit it. No one wants to be regarded as a liar — even though almost everyone sometimes falls into that category. The idea that little obfuscations or outright tall tales would come back to haunt us isn’t particularly attractive. While working so hard to skirt the truth — knowing full well that it is wrong, but doing it anyway — means there is some self-improvement that needs tending to.

Think of the biggest lies in history and how they eventually were unmasked. The world is flat was debunked. Men are superior was called into question. “I’ll call you” is universally discredited. Big lie or little, as Shakespeare’s quote in “The Merchant of Venice” so aptly reveals — “the truth will out.”

If you accept that truth has more value than lies and acknowledge that it is going to come out anyway, how do you begin to cultivate the habit of telling the truth to begin with? Is this something you can teach yourself to do — after years of doing just the opposite?

You can and here’s how.

Stop and think about what you are going to reveal.

Before you respond to a question, embark on telling a story, fill out an employment application or apply for a loan, pause and think what you are about to reveal. The first thought that pops into your head may be a lie, or it could be the truth, which you quickly push aside. You will know whether it is truth or lie. Being able to identify what the thought is qualifies you to make the decision what to do next. You need the time to figure out what you are going to say or do.

Prepare a truthful answer.

Prepare answers (truths) you are willing to say ahead of time so you’re not stumped when you need to say something. Let’s say you are going to a job interview and you want to appear your best. You know you will be asked about your strengths and your accomplishments. Instead of saying you saved your previous employer $100,000 by uncovering duplicate projects when you only observed someone else doing that, if it is true you were part of a team that streamlined corporate projects to maximize efficiency, say that instead. If you are not particularly innovative, talk up how you’re a hard worker that supports team efforts. If you take the time to realize your strengths, you will be able to come up with talking points that are true, not false.

Give yourself time to think of an appropriate (and truthful) answer.

If you are uncomfortable, ask for a break. Maybe the truth you tell now would cause harm, make someone unhappy, or result in your getting fired. Instead of instantly incriminating yourself, ask for a break — literally. You need some time to frame the truth so that it’s less harmful, or to summon your resources if the blowback will be serious. It is better to say nothing than to blow it completely by telling a lie that will come back to roost.

Work on your core values.

Learning to tell the truth instead of spouting lies every time you open your mouth takes patience, time and practice. Begin by addressing your core values, identifying them and striving to live in accordance to them. If you value friendship, act like a faithful friend. If you prize family above all else, put your family ahead of everything else you do. Be the person you most admire. Adopt the traits of people you respect.

Ask others for help.

No doubt you have people in your life who are familiar with your tendency to embroider the truth, to embellish stories for effect, or to keep telling falsehoods despite your best efforts to stop. Ask for their help in supporting your quest to tell the truth. Have them call you out when they recognize you telling a lie. This might smart a bit, but you need the assistance to change your behavior.

 

This article was originally published on Psych Central.

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How to Live What You Believe

how-to-live-what-you-believe

Believe

“If you don’t live it, it won’t come out of your horn.” – Charlie Parker

There is no better way to demonstrate what you believe than to truly live it. But, as everyone knows, it isn’t always easy to live up to your beliefs. Indeed, this can cause some consternation and anxiety — especially when what you believe may be contrary to the beliefs of those around you.

To remain at peace with yourself and to live with internal harmony, it is necessary to act in accordance with your beliefs. It’s also worth remembering that you can’t preach or recommend to others to follow a course of action when you yourself aren’t willing to do the same.

The advice, then, to be who you are is good. What does it mean to be who you are?

  • It means acting in full recognition of and abiding by your internal beliefs.
  • It means standing up for what you believe and being willing to take the heat, should it arise.

What it takes to be who you are.

Consider that what you believe may be somewhat alien or foreign to others who have no grounding or background in it. Many people – too many, in fact – behave like lemmings, just following one another, even to the point of self-harm. They neither think for themselves nor engage in a critical analysis of what they believe. Furthermore, they fail to even dwell on or ponder what they might believe if they allowed themselves to think about the matter.

Being who you are demands that you think about living your beliefs. The process can be explained as contemplating how living your beliefs translates into the way others see you and what affect your actions may ultimately have on them. You could be a profound influence, but even if your actions (emanating from your heart and soul) do not change their behavior, what you have done is to act in accordance with all that is right and good for you. The importance of this on your own well-being cannot be understated. You are what you do, not what you say you’re going to do.

On the other hand, if you hide what you believe, opting instead to keep it inside and go along with the crowd (alienating your own beliefs), you risk damaging your own self-worth. That’s because you’re masking your true beliefs and behaving in a way that is discordant with them.

When you act in synchrony with your beliefs, it is much easier to say what you believe and to feel comfortable doing so. Instead of dissonance, it’s harmony.

How to live what you believe.

While theorizing about living in accordance with beliefs is one thing, the more practical discussion is likely to center on how to do just that. Here are some suggestions:

  • Feel what’s true. If you believe something strongly enough, it must mean something. This feeling is coming from deep within your core. That has value.
  • Be willing to act on your beliefs – even though it may not always be what others expect or want you to do. This takes courage, which you can develop. Remember that doing what you believe reinforces your sense of commitment, self-esteem and self-respect.
  • In addition, be willing to entertain other beliefs. While you may steadfastly adhere to long-held beliefs, this doesn’t mean that what others believe is wrong. At least hear what they have to say. This encourages communication and may help to bridge misunderstanding.
  • Remain flexible with your beliefs. People evolve as they encounter new experiences. This may cause them to change what they believe over time. For this reason, it’s prudent to be flexible enough to revise your beliefs if new information causes you to re-evaluate what you currently hold to be true.
  • Always act based on who you are and what you believe. That way you are always true to yourself and never feel the need to proclaim something false.
  • Keep in mind that a generosity of spirit, a willingness to do the right thing and hope will never lead you astray. You’re sure to be able to live what you believe.

This article was originally published on Psych Central.

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10 Ways Lies Hurt You

 

Photo by Matt Sclarandis/Unsplash

Photo by Matt Sclarandis/Unsplash

Who hasn’t told a lie from time to time? Maybe just a half-truth, but still a falsehood? Whether you’ve learned from experience that lying gets you ahead or destroys what you thought you had, lying will always have a profound effect. What you may not realize, however, is just how negatively lies and lying are. Here’s a look at 10 ways lies hurt you.

  1. The more you lie, the easier it gets.

Like a sled rocketing down an icy slope, repeated lies begin to spew out of your mouth without any effort. You’ve gotten away with it, suffered no ill consequences and have no governor on your tongue to keep your lying at bay. After a short time, it’s just easier to lie than tell the truth.

  1. The more you lie, the bigger the lies you tell.

What begins as a small lie never stays that way. One lie begets a slew of offspring, sometimes related, often just hanging around like ill-tempered friends. Think of a lie as a snowball, first small and accumulating in size as it rolls downhill. It’s also impossible to make a lie smaller once it’s begun to grow. Thus, the more lies you tell, the bigger they get.

  1. Lies destroy relationships.

No relationship can flourish on a foundation of lies. If you can’t rely upon a partner, loved one, close friend or co-worker to tell the truth, how can you put your trust in that person? When you know someone is a liar, it creates a chasm across which you’re increasingly reluctant to travel. In the wake of lies, relationships founder and fail or become quashed before they have a chance to begin.

  1. Lies trigger the release of stress hormones.

A lie isn’t just words that come out of the mouth. Precipitating the verbalization of the lie is a build-up of stress hormones. You get excited, releasing cortisol and readying you to combat the effects your lies might create. Long-term spikes in cortisol are bad for your health, creating a perfect stage for developing serious medical conditions.

  1. Lying uses a lot of negative physical and mental energy.

When you lie, you must constantly think of how to spin it, where there’s a nugget that others may cling to, how much they’ll be able to buy before beginning to question the veracity, how to keep others from finding out the truth. In short, it takes a tremendous amount of physical and mental energy to construct this negative and elaborate form of communication. That’s energy better spent doing positive things.

  1. Constant lying builds a false sense of reality.

It doesn’t take much time at all for you to begin to believe your own web of lies. In fact, the reality you inhabit is false. It just seems real to you. The more you lie, the more out of touch with reality your life becomes. You may not even recognize the truth anymore, let alone voice it – even to yourself.

  1. Lying creates a vicious cycle.

It’s often been said that once a lie is out of your mouth, there’s no putting it back. What’s also true is that lying sets into motion a vicious cycle. To exist, knowing that you’ve lied repeatedly, you must perpetuate the lie, rigidly adhere to it despite all proof to the contrary. Lying is a spiral that is nearly impossible to escape from.

  1. Lies are a way to avoid the pain of living.

Many people tell lies to mask the pain they feel in their lives. They don’t like that they have no or few friends, so they create imaginary friendships and boast of their connections. Pathological liars are all over social media, along with everyday fabricators who seek to maximize their made-up accomplishments to make them feel better about themselves and convince others of their superiority. This doesn’t work in the long run as constant lying is a sign of some serious deficit in the liar’s emotional well-being.

  1. You waste time covering your tracks.

While there’s much good you could be accomplishing in life, when you habitually lie, you’re going to miss out on opportunities because you spend so much time covering your tracks. This is time wasted, time you’ll never get back. It’s also increasingly impossible to cover the trail of lies you’ve told. Sooner or later, you’re going to get found out. Dreading that eventuality won’t make it go away.

  1. Lies extinguish hope and trust.

The accumulation of negativity because of lies has another life-altering effect: It destroys hope and trust. Not only is the liar incapable of trusting others or finding hope in any situation, he or she has drained all hope and trust in himself or herself. Life becomes bleak and dreary, indeed, when all there is to look forward to is a never-ending litany of lies.

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Should You Ever Tell the Whole Truth to Your Kids?

Photo by London Scout/Unsplash

Photo by London Scout/Unsplash

Parents unquestionably have a big responsibility raising children, but they often find themselves unsure how much of the truth to tell their kids.

I talked with Dr. Anita Gadhia-Smith, a Washington, D.C. psychiatrist who counsels individuals, couples and families to get her thoughts on the topic.

Complex Issue

As Dr. Gadhia-Smith sees it, the issue is complex and there is no one-size-fits-all manual for raising kids. “First-time parents will go through a trial an error process, and each child within a family may be very different,” she says. “In general, children do have very different levels of comprehension, depending on individual personality development and age.”

When I asked if there’s an age-appropriate version of the truth, Dr. Gadhia-Smith says that children under five cannot comprehend the complexity of life and relational issues that an older child can. “The older the child, the greater the need for fully honest disclosure and guidance that will help the child integrate and set their own value system.”

Never Lie, but Don’t Tell All

Whether it’s ever OK for parents to lie to their kids, it really comes down to using good judgment.

“In general, it is not advisable to lie,” Dr. Gadhia-Smith says. “However, it is not always advisable to tell all either. Parents need to use their own inner guidance about what feels right to them. Some children are more mature than others, but you also don’t want to parentify a child and use them as your support system.”

Outside Support Systems

When one parent unloads all his or her emotional anguish on the kids, perhaps over a divorce, separation or break-up, it could signal trouble? This could very well be too much of an emotional burden for the children. Dr. Gadhia-Smith offers clear advice for parents to avoid such an inappropriate emotional dump on their kids.

If you’re going through a separation or divorce, Dr. Gadhia-Smith says it is best for everyone involved if each person has their own support system outside of the family.

“Psychotherapy can be very helpful for children who are struggling with divided loyalties and feeling caught in the middle between divorcing parents,” she says. “Parents need to be mindful not to use their children as their best friend or therapist. It may be tempting, as they are readily available, but the impact on the child could be detrimental.”

Truth-telling About Divorce

What truth should parents tell their kids about the decision to divorce? Is saying, “Daddy is going to be travelling for a while” not a good approach? What is better? Does it depend on the age of the child how much of the truth the parent(s) tell?

Dr. Gadhia-Smith recommends the direct approach in this case. “It is best to be honest and straightforward about it. As difficult as this may be, the sooner the child learns of reality, the better.”

But don’t just blurt out the facts to get it over with. Use caution and a little finesse to do this right. “It is important to take the time necessary to help the child understand what divorce means, and that there will still be a family (if at all possible),” she says. “The child needs to understand that he or she is not being divorced; it is the parents who have made this decision in the best interest of everyone.

“It is also important to speak in a positive manner about the person you are divorcing. Remember at the child is half of each of you, and needs to love you both. Modeling compassion, empathy, courtesy, generosity, and decency during the process of divorce is invaluable to children’s’ development.”

Modeling Telling the Truth

As parents, you also play a vital role in showing your children what telling the truth looks like. This is another parenting area parents often struggle with. Here’s Dr. Gadhia-Smith’s practical advice.

“Modeling truth-telling is critical, because children learn from what they see you do more than from what you tell them to do. Children need to develop skills in honest communication, confronting difficult life situations, and setting appropriate values.”

Confront Truth with Love

If your child tells lies repeatedly and you want to help him or her to change the behavior, what should you do? This might be especially difficult if you’ve been caught in lies and the kids know it.

“If a child repeatedly lies, and parents want to change their behavior, a good approach is to confront the truth with love, and then model truth-telling and talking about reality,” Dr. Gadhia-Smith says. “If a child is lying, they may be uncomfortable about some aspect of their reality, and it can be very helpful to look underneath the behavior and examine what is driving it.”

Truth in the News

News today is often brutal, graphic and distorted. Parents often need help about telling the truth to their kids about they see and hear in the media.

Dr. Gadhia-Smith says that parents shouldn’t shield their kids from the news, in general, but they shouldn’t go too far in the other direction either. She states that overprotecting children is usually not in the best interest of the child.

“Life is difficult, confusing, and contains many contradictions,” she says. “And life is not always fair. The news should not be over idealized or demonized. It is helpful for children to understand the way the world is. To create a fantasy about the world is not helpful, but at the same, overexposure to anything is not balanced.”

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