Should You Ever Tell the Whole Truth to Your Kids?

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Parents unquestionably have a big responsibility raising children, but they often find themselves unsure how much of the truth to tell their kids.

I talked with Dr. Anita Gadhia-Smith, a Washington, D.C. psychiatrist who counsels individuals, couples and families to get her thoughts on the topic.

Complex Issue

As Dr. Gadhia-Smith sees it, the issue is complex and there is no one-size-fits-all manual for raising kids. “First-time parents will go through a trial an error process, and each child within a family may be very different,” she says. “In general, children do have very different levels of comprehension, depending on individual personality development and age.”

When I asked if there’s an age-appropriate version of the truth, Dr. Gadhia-Smith says that children under five cannot comprehend the complexity of life and relational issues that an older child can. “The older the child, the greater the need for fully honest disclosure and guidance that will help the child integrate and set their own value system.”

Never Lie, but Don’t Tell All

Whether it’s ever OK for parents to lie to their kids, it really comes down to using good judgment.

“In general, it is not advisable to lie,” Dr. Gadhia-Smith says. “However, it is not always advisable to tell all either. Parents need to use their own inner guidance about what feels right to them. Some children are more mature than others, but you also don’t want to parentify a child and use them as your support system.”

Outside Support Systems

When one parent unloads all his or her emotional anguish on the kids, perhaps over a divorce, separation or break-up, it could signal trouble? This could very well be too much of an emotional burden for the children. Dr. Gadhia-Smith offers clear advice for parents to avoid such an inappropriate emotional dump on their kids.

If you’re going through a separation or divorce, Dr. Gadhia-Smith says it is best for everyone involved if each person has their own support system outside of the family.

“Psychotherapy can be very helpful for children who are struggling with divided loyalties and feeling caught in the middle between divorcing parents,” she says. “Parents need to be mindful not to use their children as their best friend or therapist. It may be tempting, as they are readily available, but the impact on the child could be detrimental.”

Truth-telling About Divorce

What truth should parents tell their kids about the decision to divorce? Is saying, “Daddy is going to be travelling for a while” not a good approach? What is better? Does it depend on the age of the child how much of the truth the parent(s) tell?

Dr. Gadhia-Smith recommends the direct approach in this case. “It is best to be honest and straightforward about it. As difficult as this may be, the sooner the child learns of reality, the better.”

But don’t just blurt out the facts to get it over with. Use caution and a little finesse to do this right. “It is important to take the time necessary to help the child understand what divorce means, and that there will still be a family (if at all possible),” she says. “The child needs to understand that he or she is not being divorced; it is the parents who have made this decision in the best interest of everyone.

“It is also important to speak in a positive manner about the person you are divorcing. Remember at the child is half of each of you, and needs to love you both. Modeling compassion, empathy, courtesy, generosity, and decency during the process of divorce is invaluable to children’s’ development.”

Modeling Telling the Truth

As parents, you also play a vital role in showing your children what telling the truth looks like. This is another parenting area parents often struggle with. Here’s Dr. Gadhia-Smith’s practical advice.

“Modeling truth-telling is critical, because children learn from what they see you do more than from what you tell them to do. Children need to develop skills in honest communication, confronting difficult life situations, and setting appropriate values.”

Confront Truth with Love

If your child tells lies repeatedly and you want to help him or her to change the behavior, what should you do? This might be especially difficult if you’ve been caught in lies and the kids know it.

“If a child repeatedly lies, and parents want to change their behavior, a good approach is to confront the truth with love, and then model truth-telling and talking about reality,” Dr. Gadhia-Smith says. “If a child is lying, they may be uncomfortable about some aspect of their reality, and it can be very helpful to look underneath the behavior and examine what is driving it.”

Truth in the News

News today is often brutal, graphic and distorted. Parents often need help about telling the truth to their kids about they see and hear in the media.

Dr. Gadhia-Smith says that parents shouldn’t shield their kids from the news, in general, but they shouldn’t go too far in the other direction either. She states that overprotecting children is usually not in the best interest of the child.

“Life is difficult, confusing, and contains many contradictions,” she says. “And life is not always fair. The news should not be over idealized or demonized. It is helpful for children to understand the way the world is. To create a fantasy about the world is not helpful, but at the same, overexposure to anything is not balanced.”

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Combat Stress with Mindful Walking

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“When you look at the sun during your walking meditation, the mindfulness of the body helps you to see that the sun is in you; without the sun there is no life at all and suddenly you get in touch with the sun in a different way.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

A lot of people are scared off by the words “mindfulness meditation” and likely shy away from anything mindful. That’s a shame, because research shows that the practice of mindful meditation and mindfulness in everyday activities is powerful and effective.

Perhaps one of the easiest ways to get involved with mindfulness is to begin mindful walking. To gain some insight into how meditation can work to help manage stress, I got in touch with David Lynch, Namaste Culture Limited, who practices in the United Kingdom.

Is there a simple statement you use to help people be more present – even if they are resistant?

Meditation can seem like a daunting prospect, especially if you’re already feeling anxious or low in mood. When addressing an audience who have little experience of it, I tend to talk more in terms of a practice that helps you still your mind, in the way that a run or yoga might do. I use terms like an invitation to experiment with a new approach to managing stress. I make reference to the findings of neuroscience and the many proven benefits of developing a regular practice.

What is a mindful walk? How do you do it?

It’s like any other walk with an extra focus on all the senses, exploring both internal and external landscapes, and their interconnectedness. It’s walking more slowly than usual, less concerned with the final goal, more engaged with the sensations of the body, and savoring the impact of the external world on the inner experience.

How long does it take while walking to let go of all the “noise” in your head and embrace nature?

Not long at all, although it can feel like a long time, if you’ve come straight from a busy office environment, where you’ve been very goal-focused. Walking outdoors in nature helps you to switch off, to disengage from fast thinking and problem-solving.

Suppose there aren’t any gardens near work or school or elsewhere to walk. How can you get the same effect otherwise? Can you walk up and down stairs, for example, and be mindful? Or do you need some calming influence you best achieve when in nature?

In some ways, it can be easier to walk indoors, either in a circle or in straight lines, where the invitation is to focus very much on your body’s internal experience, without the distraction of nature’s beauty. I think you have to be clear in your motivation to walk purposefully in a room, to be yourself on track, but once you get going, the rhythm of your body and the simplicity of the task soon stills your mind. Even 10 minutes on your lunch break can make a difference.

What are the specific benefits of mindful garden walks?

My experience is that the combined regenerative effects of walking in nature’s beauty, breathing fresh air and practicing mindfulness, results in an immediate uplift in mood and outlook. It’s as if these combined forces offer a fresh perspective on whatever your mind is grappling with.

How long do they last?

This summer, I was inviting office workers to a 40-minute experience, enough time to get back to the office during a lunch break. [This included] 10 minutes [of] instruction, 20 minutes walking and 10 minutes debrief and discussion.

Can you talk about the benefits of mindful walking to relieve stress? How does this work? Do you intentionally shut your mind off from stressful emotions, thoughts, etc., or do you go through a process of letting go?

Mindful walking helps relieve stress because the invitation is to connect with the felt experience of stress in the body and mind, the opposite off switching off from it, or suppressing the unwelcome and sometimes painful sensations of stress.

Walking works on at least two levels to relieve stress:

The mind is focusing on the moment by moment experience of the walking movement, the placing of the foot, the shifting weight from leg to leg, and not on the source of what’s inducing the stress response. Just keeping balanced and upright is enough to focus the mind.
The invitation is to acknowledge and connect with the sensations, emotions and thoughts, no matter how unpleasant and unwelcome, e.g. I can feel my heart racing, I feel nausea in the pit of my stomach, I notice my racing obsessing thoughts.

The additional benefit of walking in nature is that our mind’s attention falls on the sound of the rustling leaves, on the beauty of the light falling on the path, and gains a broader perspective on our experience. Suddenly, we note that we are part of something bigger and [better] than our stress response.

Is it better to walk with others or alone – or does it matter?

It’s probably easier to practice together when you first start, as it helps motivate you. However, once learned, mindful walking can be done anywhere and enjoyably by yourself; walking to work through busy streets, walking to your next business meeting. You just choose to do it with your attention on your felt experience, slow down and enjoy the sensations of walking.

How long does it take to make mindful walking a healthy habit?

Our program is for eight weeks, because that’s what the researchers/experts recommend to establish a sustainable meditation practice, to embed a change in our daily routine, to commit to a lifestyle shift in how we manage demands, responsibilities and stress.

Of course, it is not enough to learn mindfulness practices for eight weeks and then to expect the change to happen, without maintaining a daily practice, or at least regular practice. We’re talking lifestyle change. That said, I have trainees who have said that although they no longer meditate on a regular basis, they have learned the tools to address stress differently when it arises, and therefore benefit from the skills development, no matter what.

Any final thoughts?

I am no expert in mindfulness. I am a practitioner, a facilitator of learning, a coach, who has combined several professional qualifications (teaching, counseling, management) and 30 years’ experience to create an experiential model of learning that adapts to the learners needs and vulnerabilities. They learn, I learn, and I love my work.

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Also check out My 10 Favorite Summertime Stress-Busters and 10 Quick Ways to Beat Stress.

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The Incredible Value of Dreams

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“The future belongs to those who believe in their dreams.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

A dream isn’t something tangible. You can’t hold it in your hands. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t a formidable force. In fact, dreams shape your actions, for they inspire and motivate you to go beyond your comfort zone and take on challenges you might otherwise avoid.

You can do anything you want in your dreams. You’re invincible, all-seeing, possessed of extraordinary gifts and powers. The best dreams allow you a glimpse at your perfect self, the one who embraces change, looks at life in a positive light, works through difficulties with ease and strives to embody hope and joy in everything you do.

Don’t like the present? You can do something about it. Want a different career, new relationships, a lasting love? The key to what really matters can be found in your dreams.

Not the nightmares, for those are your subconscious trying to resolve issues or problems or work through grief or some other powerful emotion. The dreams that help shape your future are the ones that uplift and energize, that fill you with passion and make you feel happy when you wake up.

You want to have a life of purpose, to live in accordance with your beliefs and values, to love and be loved, to give back, to make a difference.

The vision that drives you forward could be one that is at the end of a challenging path, requires years of preparation and work, proceeding through a succession of stages or steps.

It could be the realization that the present is a gift and it’s the only opportunity to make things happen.

Your dream could consist of an achievement, happiness, a family, being healthy, financially independent, recognizable success.

It isn’t the what of the dream but the underlying energy it provides to motivate you to follow your passion, to pursue your goals with vigor and enthusiasm.

Here’s what I find helps me with dreams. Maybe these tips will help you, too.

Know that dreams can sometimes be scary, but they can also be exciting revelations, times spent in sleep that you want to prolong so that you can experience it as long as possible. Remember that these are only temporary. They are dreams, after all, not reality.

If you awake with the memory of a dream that you don’t want to forget, write down everything about it that you can recall. There could be an idea, something to pursue, a hint of a solution to a problem, someone you need to get in touch with, a way to better manage powerful emotions. Dreams, it seems, hold the keys to unlocking goals. Make use of them.

If you have a frightening dream, teach yourself to recognize that you’re in a dream and not real life. Say to yourself, “This is just a dream.” It’s like seeing a signpost to tell you where you are. Maybe you had chocolate too late in the evening or consumed too much caffeine during the day. If you went to bed angry or experienced another powerful emotion, this could play out in some of your dreams.

Since you dream several times during the night, you might find yourself revisiting one particular dream once or more often. This means there’s something in the dream you need to pay attention to. Try to figure out what it is. Books on dreams may be helpful to uncover the underlying meaning.

Talk about your dreams – the ones you have when sleeping – with others who find dream analysis interesting. Sometimes just the discussion of dreams can help you interpret them better or worry less about their content.

Dreaming during the day, so-called daydreams, are a different type of dream, but no less valuable. When you have a vision of what you want for your life, you often see yourself being successful in that endeavor. Maybe it’s just for a short period of time, but that’s fine. You’re reinforcing your desire to follow your dreams, to make the most of your life, and to take action now to help you realize your goals.

If you have a favorite dream, one that you keep coming back to, this is also another indication of a powerful force at work. It’s no accident that this dream is a frequent visitor. It’s telling you that action is required to help you live the life you want to the fullest. Pay heed.

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5 Ways to Find Peace of Mind

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“When you’ve seen beyond yourself, then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there.” – George Harrison

If you’re distracted by all that’s going on in your life and yearn for a little respite, some peace of mind that you can bathe in, there’s one thing you can do: get outside yourself.

While it sounds easy, however, it’s not always so easy to do. How do you get outside yourself, put some distance between you and your ever-present concerns? Here are five tips that may prove helpful:

Schedule some time for yourself that doesn’t involve work. It doesn’t matter what you wind up doing, only that it is some activity that makes you feel good, removes you from all the responsibilities and tasks you’ve been overwhelmed by, and gives you the time you need to recharge and rejuvenate.

Learn to say no. This is vitally important, since taking on too much at the request of others or imposing more work on yourself is guaranteed to backfire. For one thing, there are only so many hours in the day. For another, there’s a limit to how much you can do nonstop, both physically and mentally, not to mention emotionally. By saying no, you’ll be establishing self-control and some necessary boundaries. If you desire peace of mind, get some backbone and find the courage to say no.

Don’t wait until the end of the day to do what needs to be done. Relieving some of the pressure you put on yourself has to begin with tending to business in a timely manner. Whether it’s a work or school project or duties in the home, even social obligations you’ve accepted, putting off until later is not recommended. Get an early start on what you need to do. That way you’ll not feel so pressured at the end of the day. You’ll also be more inclined to feel good about taking some time for yourself after your work is done.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Not literally, of course, but when you try to see life as someone else does, things look quite a bit different. You may come away from this exercise with a better appreciation of what you have in your own life. If you can provide some assistance to a person who needs it without being asked, this act of selflessness and generosity will add to your peace of mind.

Establish a network of true friends. When you take the time to be with people you enjoy spending time with, life seems better. It’s less tumultuous, stressful and obligatory and more fun, genuine and restorative. What better way to find peace of mind than to establish a network of true friends – and then do things with them?

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10 Ways to Feel Good About the Money You Make

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Money isn’t bad or evil. It’s what you do with it that counts. In fact, according to recent research involving two studies, money can actually contribute to happiness.

That’s money that’s readily available, not funds locked away in pension or retirement accounts or tied up in real estate.

Not that you shouldn’t allocate some of what you earn for either of those. You definitely need to plan ahead and likely want to invest in a home for the comfort and well-being of your family.

The Wall Street Journal interviewed Joe Gladstone, a research associate at the University of Cambridge in the United Kingdom, and a co-author of both studies. The takeaway from the first study is that a bank balance may be more important to happiness than overall wealth. Meanwhile, the second study found that the things that you buy can result in you being happier, if they are a fit for your personality.

While this all sounds great, for those of us who’ve worked hard for our money and want to spend a little of it now, not 20 years in the future, here are 10 ways to feel good about the money you make:

What you earn is a reward for your hard work. Think of the investment you’ve made in your career, in learning new skills, getting a degree or two, pushing past failures and disappointments. The resulting financial largesse – call it your spending cushion or dream account – is very much a product of your continued effort. You deserve it. You should feel good about making it and spending it the way you like.
Money gives you freedom. When you have money, there are many things you can do with it. This freedom of choice also means you get to do something with it that makes you happy.
It can’t buy love, but it can help you love what you do with it. If you are an ardent skier, having some extra cash on hand can mean you take that ski trip to the Rockies this winter instead of putting it off for another year. If you love music and play it well, the money you put toward that grand piano or guitar will be music to your ears and fill your heart with happiness.
Since you can’t take it with you, it’s smart to spend some now. Your life insurance and named beneficiaries on pensions and other investments will ensure you take care of loved ones, but there’s no sense accumulating wealth and never doing anything with it while you’re alive. It’s no good to you after you die, so take some time and take some cash now to enjoy life.
Money helps reduce stress. If you’ve struggled most of your life to have two dimes to rub together, you know the value of having some money in the bank. Knowing you have this safety net helps reduce the levels of stress that a bank balance of zero never can. You have the added benefit of knowing that some unexpected event won’t wipe you out, and you’re not living paycheck to paycheck. As stress goes down, you feel the freedom to pay more attention to what matters in life. And that might mean using some of the money you make.
Having some makes you less needy and vulnerable. When you’re in deficit mode, having little or no money, there’s a tendency to be dependent on others, even to the point of being needy. You’re also vulnerable when you are penniless or strapped for cash. On the other side of the coin, having some extra cash – the result of your hard work – boosts your self-confidence and makes you feel more in control of your life. That’s a great reason to feel good about the money you earn.
A good bank balance can help you sleep better. Tossing and turning over an inability to stay on top of financial obligations is not pleasant. Your slowly growing bank account can benefit your sleep quality and duration since that’s one less problem you have to worry about.
Your intimate relationships may improve. Money problems and sex are two of the biggest conflict producers in intimate relationships. When money is not an issue because you have enough, that barrier can crumble. Besides, when you have some funds left over after paying the bills, think of the things the two of you can do to spend some quality time by spending some of that cash.
The focus isn’t on acquiring, but enjoying. The money you make has yet another decidedly enticing aspect: It allows you to focus not on acquiring and holding onto it, but enjoying the fruits of your labor.
You choose when and how to spend it. It’s your money. You worked for it. Outside of tending to your necessary obligations, what, when and how you spend your money is entirely up to you. At least it should be. There has to be some allocation, some mad money, some do-whatever-you-want-with money that’s yours.

After reading these ways to feel good about the money you make, aren’t you feeling better already?

I’m interested in hearing how you feel about the money you make. Do you give yourself permission to do something purely enjoyable with some of that cash?

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7 Tips on Mastering Change

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“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” – Brian Tracy

Change is nonstop. Life coaches and proponents of positive thinking are nearly unanimous in recommending that we accept and embrace change.

While that is good advice, sometimes change brings with it uncertainty, fear, doubt, failure and dashed hopes. We may start off with an optimistic outlook, only to encounter some difficulty or unexpected problem that throws everything we had planned off-kilter.

We might just give up on the change we’re trying to make.

Or, we might become even more determined to see it through.

The attitude we adopt is really the key to what comes afterward. Granted, we cannot predict what will happen or what will ultimately be the result of our actions, but we can control how we think about our prospects, what we believe our strengths are and how self-confident we are.

It does take practice to see the hopeful, rather than the dismal, but we can learn how to do this.

Here are some tips on mastering change:

Keep your eye on the goal.

While interruptions and challenges are bound to occur, if you have a firm grasp of what you want to achieve, you’ll be poised to weather distractions and detours along the way.

Revisit your plan often.

Sometimes, with everything being thrown at you, it’s tough to stay focused on the plan. That’s why you write it down, so you can refer to it as often as necessary to remind you of your goal – and the steps you need to take to be successful.

Be optimistic about being able to find solutions.

Problems will occur, but you have been through these kinds of situations before and figured out solutions. Remind yourself of this and it will help bolster your resolve and maintain your optimistic attitude.

Don’t be afraid to adapt and revise.

Just because you have a plan doesn’t mean that you have to adhere to it so rigidly that you miss opportunities. The key here is to remain flexible so that you are able to adapt and modify your plan to incorporate new ideas and perhaps take advantage of a different approach. Flexibility is one of the hallmarks of mastering change.

Surround yourself with positive people.

When you’re embarking on change, or making a decision to change, you don’t need naysayers around you challenging your actions. Choose to be with others who are upbeat, supportive of your ideas and goals, and whose success and demeanor you admire. Positivity is contagious, and you’ll benefit from associating with positive friends, co-workers, neighbors and acquaintances.

Find the lesson in failure.

No one likes to think about failure, but the fact is that it happens. Should this quash your attitude about ultimately succeeding? Not if you study what happened and discover the lesson the experience holds. This makes you that much more prepared to handle whatever comes next and to take proactive measures to deal with them.

Be open to new ideas.

You wouldn’t eat the same meal day after day, would you? Just as variety is the spice of cuisine, so, too, is the willingness to entertain new ideas. Even if what you read, see or hear is a somewhat different way to accomplish a goal than you’ve used before, it might hold some merit in terms of adaptation, revision or addition to what strategies you have in your toolkit. Knowing you have options is a great confidence-builder.

Keep in mind that the way you regard change says a lot about who you are. You can be in control of your attitude and master change, or allow change to master you.

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Success Means You Make Things Happen

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“There are people who make things happen, there are people who watch things happen, and there are people who wonder what happened. To be successful, you need to be a person who makes things happen.” – Jim Lovell

Are you a doer, a watcher or a wonderer? The answer may lie at the heart of whether or not you find yourself successful in life.

Granted, sometimes you need to watch for a while to become motivated to take action. After all, what interests you may involve stepping outside your comfort zone and taking a few risks. Well, nothing worthwhile ever occurred without a little discomfort. For one thing, it’s anxiety-provoking to think about taking on a challenge, something you’ve never done before. Maybe you should watch and wait for a while.

But not too long. If you wait until the proverbial time is right, you may still be waiting months and years down the line. At that point, instead of being successful, you’ll be one of those people who scratch their heads in dismay and wonder what happened.

Making things happen sounds too easy. It isn’t. Often, it involves long periods of practice, building skills and acquiring knowledge. It generally takes longer than you anticipate and requires more work than you intended.

But success is worth it if the goal is one that you truly desire.

Are You Ready to Make Things Happen?

Ask yourself these questions to see if you’re ready to make things happen.

Is this (goal) something I really want?
How much effort am I willing to put into achieving it?
What will I do if distractions get in my way?
Do I have a plan to follow, or am I just going to wing it?
What about resources? Do I need to line them up or are they readily available to me?
How will I handle criticism, failure and rejection? Am I strong enough to get past this?
Am I willing to learn from my mistakes?
What about revising my plan along the way? Have I incorporated that into my strategy?
Have I factored measurement into my plan so that I know when it’s a success?

The Caveman Scenario

I’d like to illustrate this with the following scenario. Early caveman enjoyed sitting around the fire with his companions, partner and offspring. Telling tales of hunting exploits got everyone going and lasted well into the night. But some of the little ones fell asleep, missing out on the stories.

The caveman started etching shapes into the earth with a stick, but the images were quickly obliterated as everyone dispersed. This same stick, used to poke and prod the fire, was blackened at the tip. The caveman pondered the sooty blackness on his fingers and noted it was tough to remove. He looked up at the empty cave wall and thought about scratching his pictures there.

First, it was just a rudimentary sketch. Then, the images grew in size, complexity and number. Before long, they told a complete story. Now, not only the little ones, but everyone in the caveman’s group, could enjoy the tale. He was designated as the official keeper of the tales and his stature grew in the community.

Was this a success? Did the caveman make things happen? From a desire to share his tales with his children, he figured out a way to do that and made it happen. It was an absolute success.

If the caveman could do it, just imagine what you can do.

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